Beginnings and Ends

Started reading a new book. When the only thing that I read of it was the back. The new line of ideas being fed in. It causes anxiety and excitement. To slog forward ,but still be in muck. To leave behind. To Bring new life into yourself.

Always worried about the end. Hesitant to start. Never enjoying the middle, even though that is where I am and all is. I choose. I regret. Then life that once was is annihilated and yet still exists. If I hate. I therefore destroy. If I love. I will create new life.

So throw down that helmet of self-depreciation. Don the hat of the creator. Use the tools to be had. Let the weapons rust. Fortify the heart. Swing the mind and soul gates to the castle. Let all in and become one of many. Though not because you conform, but because you stand out to lead.

End is never.

Beginning is forever.


The Never Ending Conflict

*Warning Deep Thoughts ahead*

I am in deep debt of my mind’s pain. My mind is thrown into entropy and chaos. The world I have is shattering. I know too much agony ,but far too little peace. I choose not, I will not. I change nothing of any measurable meaning. I search the map and find no markers. I want, I crave, and destroy everything in my wake.

Please God let this be over. I want this chapter to end. I want to go onto the part of the book that adds the redemption arc. I will not end but this part of my life must. I hope for great things. I need a foothold or a hand freely given to hoist me to the next respite on this climb up.

How do I change into that butterfly or moth that I want to be? I see nothing in this cocoon. I need to spring forth from my darkness. Into the light. Give me might, give me kindness, give me patience, and most of all give me direction.

How may I change I ask myself?

Why do I feel I ask God?

Who will join I ask of others?

When In this 4th dimensional space I ask the universe?

Where I ask my aimless compass?

All I can do is hope.

All I do is love.

I follow you Home Jesus.

*I’m Alive and Will be*




Finding rhythm

I noticed a gaping scar, long ago. Finding was the first. I re-opened the wound over and over constantly. I choose to wallow in the void. I lost all guidance. Flying into the black hole of my soul.

Crippled by darkness. I only found the absence. I did not find light to change. I searched for the light, but turned up empty every time.

Only through a deeper secret of the evil of my ways, did I find a way to leave the bleeding to coagulate. Then as if god had come down the scar was gone.

Movement, light, and purpose.

Searching through the dark gave me great bounties of the divine.

For all that is blasphemous, there is grace.

I choose to lead.

I choose to bless.

I choose to live.

What euphoric bliss is this.


My Parents

The divine.

The love.

The support.

The care.

The time.

My mother and My father.

The reading with absolute wonder on your face.

The hands that work and The mind that sculpts.

The time together.

Much laughter garnered.

The considerate consoling from babe to now.

The inspiration of my gift.

No matter what changes you will always be here in my mind and soul.

I am strong because of the energy you expend.

I am safe because of your hugs.

I live because everything you have done for me.

God granted me you both, angelic beings.

I love you.




Heart Pumping and Challenges

The World brings direct competition to your doorstep, mind, and heart. The thing is not to give up and throw yourself in to the abyss. Though you must steady yourself through relaxation in still moments.

Champion of what to stand to and want to change. Your life will test you. You may steal yourself in the things you learn and believe. The thoughts and actions of yourself may become outdated and in need of changing,.

You choose, I choose, and it influences the trip of a cosmically short life. I want to come out of every battle a winner. I may not, therefore are the lessons. I find with every defeat there is a even greater victory ahead.

So in your future you will be set through competition. It will hurt. It will sting. The possibilities of Sweetness and Warmth will be there. Remember that all loss is something to ponder, but not to dwell. In those moments of rest remind thy self to the feeling of wholeness.

Please stay steadfast O’ Champion of your life. May your journey be fruitful.

I’m on the chasm, looking into the heart of Dark.

Find yourself they say. Inner peace you shall gain, What matters is naught. Life is pain. Find another way says the heart. The mind screams impossible. The soul aches for recognition.  The world around fights for the material.

I’m going to search. I must search. What do I wish to discover, what I have lost or what was always hidden. The strength fails in my body. The world sleeps. I awake with not much, but which I should have.

Do I want change? Do I need movement? I will gather dust at this current velocity. The world breathes, then coughs. The disease is caught. The cure is ancient. Find earth.

Life will live. Life will die. Life will renew.

The pulsating darkness from this ravine is relentless. I have one jump to cross. In the one who carried the cross that will take me away when the need arises. I curse. I ball my fists. I bawl my eyes, wetter than all of the oceans. I hope. I believe.


The light shines on this blackened heart. The light care not what it shines on or in. The light accepts the darkness as it’s charge.

Evil becomes nothing for it always has had no substance. The sides of the hills that this crack separates, mend. Hope renewed. Running toward a true start or and old beginning.

Navigate the way O’ light. Show me the glory of your might. Show me he height of your love. Show me those who suffer, and how they been healed.

Light? Light. Light!

I sit on the precipice of adventure.

I choose the path. When a new fork in the road appears. I hope that all the places I’ve been helps me to be a hero. A hero, I am. A villain I have been. A soul of learning, is what  I strive.

If the world will fight me, I will stand on my two legs and defy. I will love not hate. I am who I am. The people I meet are much. I hope to understand their ticking of their clocks.If you stand you don’t move. I am always walking. I am afraid of what I will find on the passage ahead. I look back and it gives me strength. If the world would stop now I would still move.

I choose life. I do not understand why life chose me. It did though. So I have a place to be in this world. What would you do if every thing was explained. I would miss the mystery. The secrets. The exhilaration. The choice.

So choose, I know you will make the right choice.

The Continuation of Life.

I have found great solace in life. I may be plagued with problems, such as bugs in code. I accept the ebb and flow. I find gems and rocks in the small world of mine, but immensity of depth, that of the Mariana Trench. I hope to find bobbins that cause great waves in the endless ocean of experience. I find only positive and negative charges , and it is my choice to what to power with them.

I have been corrected, chastised, and found wrong. I take the those objections and choose to act upon them. Those raw materials that I have been given or thrown at me. I change them to blessed artifacts of my own reality.

I hoped to change, and I have. I embrace this new life. I hope those out there can take this as a rock or gem, (hopefully a gem). I think this world will end me sometime, but it will be on its terms not mine. I will not give up. I will fight. I will change. I will blossom. You will too!

Gaming time with family

I find the experience of enjoying a good video game with the experience a great time with my father one of the best things in the world.

I find those moments that consist of my life meaningful when I am able to exist as a major part of my family and friends life.

I was playing a game most people have heard of Super Smash Bros. This game Allows for competitive and cooperative play. I chose competitive last night.

Some simple time with two people mashing buttons and thus making their digital avatar kick butt. What a great life i live.

I hope those around me that engage in this activity of shared focus find as much solace as I do.

Solo games are fun and all. Though when you see the face of your father scrunching to understand what is going on and then the next moment laughing brings a swell to my heart.

Thank you my loving dad for making me and still sticking around. He make my world a so much better place.

As I have seen in many Facebook posts this saying “You may not be able to change the whole world, But helping someone can change the world for them.”

So go play a video game with your family or just do something nice for those you love whoever it might be.

Plus mothers day is coming up so don’t forget to make your mom feel special. I know i will.

Love you Mom and Love you Dad!

The interesting case of the expanding toe

Did you know pain feels better than depression? That makes no sense to average person. Though as a person who Frequently visits the dark side, I got to say it is an interesting shift.

How did this pain happen? Well an accident is what happened! I would not wish this pain on anyone. The pain is a nice respite from the droning of my monotone blues.

I remember days when i would inflict pain upon myself just to feel anything. It was a gloomy place that I was in. I wanted out. I got out, mostly?

As the person I used to be and to the person I am today both struggle at this game called life. The story takes across different lands. Each day feels like a chapter of gears of war game.

You use your skills and hone them to the best of your ability. I find difficulty in games and life. I’m one of those gamers that plays easy mode on every game I start. Why should I be challenged by something that i want to escape reality with. Life is too hard as it is.

I am rambling on and making no sense. So I am going to end this weird diatribe with something of an uplifting message to my readers.

 Life may knock you down , but as many a great leaders have said and in this case Winston Churchill, “Never ever, give up!”